NEWS ANALYSIS

Professional mourners: The case of those ministers who wept at funeral of Chantal Biya’s mother
 

By Peterkins Manyong, guest writer and publisher of The Independent Observer

Burying the dead is one of the seven works of mercy according to the catechism of the Catholic Church. Mourning for the departed is paying last respect to them. But mourning more than the bereaved is a manifestation of unparalleled hypocrisy. This is exactly what some of Biya’s ministers did during the funeral of the president’s mother-in-law, in Mvomeka’a two weeks ago. We all know what hypocrisy is but I think it is not out of place to trace the word to its origin.

The word “hypocrite is of Greek derivation and it means “actress “or “actor”. A hypocrite is therefore somebody who puts on an outward show that does not reflect his or her true character. Renowned Nollywood actress, Patience Ozokwor popularly known as Mama “G” is a “Born Again” Christian, but she acts the part of a wicked woman excellently.

Those ministers who shed “gallons” of tears at the funeral of Chantal Biya’s mother certainly didn’t feel the pain of her departure more than her only daughter, Biya or her bereaved husband. They were weeping for the cameras, which means they just wanted to be seen by the president. Crocodiles are said to shed tears when savouring a delicious meal. Those crocodile tears on their cheeks didn’t come naturally. The ministers certainly used pepper, ginger, onions or some other condiments to force the tears out. It is alleged that one of them was seen with a ‘mentholantum’ tin during the funeral.

Ovid, a Roman writer, author of “The Metamorphosis” makes this recommendation to a mourner at the funeral of a wife he never loved. “Si nullus erit, tamen, excute nullum” which if translated reads: “if there is no tear there, wipe away that nothing”.

The behaviour of these ministers brings to mind those girls who return from the mortuary with “mercenary tears.” In Nigeria, they are referred to as: “Area Girls” because they live in or choose a particular locality to function.

The first characteristic of these girls is that they don’t belong to the families of those whose funerals they come to grace. Quite often they don’t even know the deceased and don’t care. All the deceased does to deserve their tears and any outward show of grief is that he should be a “big-man.” This means he is either a minister, director, delegate or a bush-faller meaning that at his burial there would be food aplenty and wine and beer to flow.

The second characteristic is that all those who matter in the society should be present. To matter means to have the cash and be ready to spend it. They should also be boyfriend or husband material.

Before leaving their homes these girls take along “go no come handbags”. These are bags which contain all the paraphernalia a civilized girl or woman should own: befitting shoes, skirts, pantalons and make-up material that can transform them into truly glamorous girls for those of high taste to savour.

Because they are not leaving anything to accident, these “Area girls” dress very seductively, wear very expensive lipstick, hair styles, skirts and high heel shoes. In vulgar phrase, “They dress to kill.”

Next to sexy outfit is their modus-operandi. Already armed with expensive phones, they engage on imaginary phone calls, calls to nobody in particular, but with one intention: to attract potential lovers. The phone calls are often interrupted by occasional outbursts and tears to manifest how much love they have for the deceased and the inconvenience his/her passing away will cause them. After the mortuary, their next port-of-call is the church where the funeral mass is programmed to take place.

While in church, these professional female mourners make themselves part of the animating choral groups; whether capable of singing or not. As often as they are, can they go for offertory with little to offer? Like Nawain in Evangelist Grace Fien’s novel “Nostalgia,” they sway their hips provocatively in unison with music providing enough material for the potential lover’s “eye shopping.”

After church service, they are more active than their friends and family members of the deceased, serving food and drinks to high profile mourners. It is at this juncture that they exhibit their best – the very sophisticated art of smiling, ogling and enticing chit chats which conclude with the exchange of complimentary cards and telephone numbers; rendez-vous in hotels and motels is the inevitable outcome. At the end of the day, they cry themselves into new jobs, travels abroad and even marriage.

Those who are not so lucky return home with enough banknotes to pay their rents, the school fees of their children or money to feed their families and other loved ones. Those who fail in both ventures return, at least, with a full stomach which enables them to sleep soundly for the day, talk about the event and continue dreaming or ruminating on which “big man” will next join the heavenly or devilish choir in hell for them to once more have something of quality to eat and drink.

In the case of the professional ministerial mourners, their expected reward as indicated earlier is the prolongation of their stay in government through reappointment or promotion. The funeral of Chantal Biya’s mother was not the first occasion where ministers wept to keep their jobs. When former First Lady, Jeane-Irene Biya died, members of government wept and even rolled over several square metres of ground. Biya, the bereaved husband didn’t weep at all, at least not in public.

The ministers didn’t end at weeping. In their messages of condolence, they lamented in the most sentimental tones the passing into glory of the president’s “dearly beloved wife”. How can somebody who isn’t part of a family or who doesn’t live with a couple know whether the two people love themselves or not? The conduct of our highly-placed personnel in circumstances like the deaths of persons close to President Biya leaves us with only one impression: that they know they are in government as a special favour and that they don’t deserve their ministerial positions. If they were there on merit, they wouldn’t do that.

Here we have in mind the late Bernard Fonlon who told Ahidjo the truth to his face, Professor Victor Anoma Ngu who threatened committing suicide if he was not sacked as minister of public health, a former public service minister, Garga Haman Adji who resigned from his prestigious post and Maurice Kamto who did same. Ministerial professional mourners are the most ridiculous public servants a nation can have.